My new job!

I just got hired by the RV company I interviewed for several weeks ago. I will be an office assistant and work from 8 to 4 . Yea!

Inferiority Syndrome in ACoA's

Well... no one talks about it, and I'm not even sure if it only pertains to lost children like me. I think it has something to do with the lack of ability to emotionally connect with your family due to abuse, whether verbal or physical while growing up. But when does it go away (question mark broke).

I was watching home videos the other day and a video came on that was shot in 1996 of my son and mother playing with the garden hose. He was 2 years old, and she had put it in the back of his diaper as he ran around the yard. I was shooting the video when his diaper started sagging and called out, "Oh, look, he's mooning us."

It seemed as if my mother was ignoring me, or I have often felt this way... she just went right on playing with my son. And I remember feeling really bad, like I had no right to even speak, or she viewed everything I said as inappropriate or stupid. I know that is harsh, but I felt that way for a lot of years.

I don't see either of my parents or only sibling but once every four years because they live in central Texas, and I live in northern Indiana... its too far to drive and too expensive to fly.

But it seems as if whenever I do go visit them those old feelings start to come back. I feel like I am not part of the family, like I am just an outsider trying to fit into something that isn't really mine.

Everytime I call my mother and she doesn't pick up the phone, I find myself wondering if she just doesn't want to talk to me. I still feel rejected by my family. So I wonder how to overcome it.

My father has been sober for 3 years now, and my mother for 14 years.

For more on "lost child syndrome" visit http://www.dawncoveabbey.org/barriers-potential/lost-child.html

Ring, damn it!

Have you ever looked at your phone and expected it to ring (question mark broke).
I have been doing that a lot lately. I have been filling out resumes left and right and even went to a temp agency.

"Oh, please, Lord. Let me have a NEW job."

The temp agency called me yesterday and asked for permission to send my resume along to a publisher that puts out monthly magazines with all the houses for sale in the county in which I live. Its only 300 pages long per issue. I would be a proofreader.

It pays $9.50 an hour, and I think it is 40 hours a week, temp to hire. Now if only my phone would ring... (damn it.)

I'm half tempted to whine about what went on at work yesterday, but I fear that I vent way too much on this blog. Sometimes I wonder why people keep subscribing.

Do people like to hear other people complain.

Does it make them feel normal. (insert question mark)

Oh my gosh, I went to the store to buy a new keyboard last night and the only one they had was $40. Unbelievable.

Until I get rich I should quit asking questions for which there are no question marks.

Grrr...........

I'm looking for...

I'm looking for a site that lets you organize bookmarks as well as enter rss feeds.
I had used one about a month ago and now I can't find it. It even linked to my email accounts for me. I wanted to make it my home page.

Look ma, I can draw!

What does your drawing say about YOU?

Good Doctor Report

Well, the healing process has been slow, but my ENT is liking what he is seeing in regards to my ear recovering from surgery in December. He gave me permission to wear my hearing aid for a few hours a day....

Now I can't find the darn thing.

I had a partial mastoidectomy, eardrum repaired and bones of hearing replaced... major major surgery.

I Can't Anymore

I wanted to be one of those girls
Who kept old letters in cards in a shoebox.
I wanted to keep the memory of you and I
Alive forever.
-
It isn’t fair, was all my heart could say.
Why the Lord took you away from me that day,
I guess I’ll never know.
I didn’t want to be the one to let go.
-
Talking to you has only been
A reminder of what could have been.
To think I actually lied to myself and said
We could be like best friends (now).
-
Its’so strange to have a man that I could talk to,
Open up to, and someone who could do the same.
We we’re aimlessly trying to figure out
The relationship game.
-
Somehow I thought I could have helped you in yours,
And you could help me in mine,
To be patient with the ones we are with,
And somehow let go of that age old dream of being together.
-
But I figured out
That you and I could never feel anything less
Than what we did for each other all those yeas ago.
So I had to let you go.
-
I try to tell myself God separated us for a reason.
Maybe someday he’ll let me in on the big secret.
Until then I have to try to forget you.
Just walk away and say “It wasn’t meant to be.”
-
So, I threw away all the emails,
The poems I wrote for you.
The memories…
And now getting you out of my heart is what I have to do.
-
I have to forget those three words
I can’t say to you anymore.
Learn to say them to someone else,
And mean them as much as when I said them to you.
-
I (can’t still) love you (anymore).